Rejection

Yes. Rejected. Again. A part of the actor's life. Preparation, hope, wish, pray, prepare, train, coach, sing on the street, in the bathroom, elevator, in bed. Audition. Best you can. Thank you. Wait one sec, please.

Would you please read this? (yes!). We'll call you in a few minutes. Prepare - apply technique, read all scene, read out loud to wrap your tonsils around it. And wait. Wait. wait.

We're ready for you now. Any questions? Yes.... and then you read.

and it's fine. pretty good. Not great but feels good. Good enough. Good enough for a call back -- after all they did ASK you to read. Right?

No call back. Weren't right for the roles. Too young...too old for...

Just like "Tootsie".

I cry. I'm disappointed. I'm distracted at work, resentful, bored, angry with a thought or two about who do I think I am to think I can go pro and quit the W-2 when I CAN'T EVEN GET A PART IN COMMUNITY THEATER!???

Then I'm shamelessly grateful to the W-2. It buys my character shoes. It pays for my gas to go the rehearsals. It pays for food at Whole Foods and that Benefit foundation I love that perfectly matches my skin tone. Spin the bottle.

This my life. Spin the bottle.

Place the bottle carefully in the circle. Spin. It's my game and the damn bottle doesn't even have the grace to pick me.

sigh.

And then I say and sigh. There is always another show. more auditions, more classes, more rehearsals, more "I can't wait until this @*X^!!" show is OVER cause that guy is driving me crazy with his "ACTING". God. Help. Me.

And there is always more little deaths. more rejection.

And why do I do it?

I can't help myself.

I am an addict.

My name is {bleap}. I am a theater addict.

I'm not addicted to the pain of rejection or hooked on the anticipation of "We'd love you to come and be Maria in our show..." (well maybe a little).

I'm hooked on the beauty and scope of emotion of theater and the way it makes me feel to act. To sing. To dance.

Like it is the food and breath of my essence. It restores the world for me. I reach equilibrium when I am in doing it. And I am normalized in the most un-normal way.