La La Land

First of does any one call it that any more??

Guess it's snobbish of this Northern Californian to say so....especially since I'm starting to consider that I may want to take the plunge and join the hordes trying to "make it".

Consider the Shakespearean "joke" of it -- 44 female, solid community theater experience, training, a few medium roles -- going to Hollywood!

But I'm thinking that I've never been willing to admit out loud that this addiction is merely a thin veneer behind which to hide. And that fact is I am an artist and I yearn for the joy and honor to express myself in film and theater professionally. To step up and move to a bigger playing field.

So it may come to pass that I figure out a way to pull up roots (figure out what to do with all my books) and move to a strange land. Well, being that I'm Jewish, it would be somewhat like the modern Promise Land. And Hey! Only about an hour a way via SW.

Yet it would be quite a foreign experience. Do they still speak English there? Or is it Ilarian?

I giggle to myself when I think of myself as a "professional". It is a secret I've kept from myself my whole life. I guffawed suggestions by theater friends of getting an agent. Who me? Come on...(and yet, my heart whispers now....why not?)

It is perhaps absurd, far-fetched, out-landish (really), but why the hell not me?

I'm losing sleep at night with fevered half-plans and fears. The strangeness casting a different light on my present life. I look around my apartment and see how much it is my home, it's where I set down roots. I remember how impermanent it felt when I moved in - how unsafe I felt. How unhappy.

But I am stronger now and willing perhaps to go even further out on the limb of life challenges to live my dream. To live my fate.

If we truly only go 'round once - again I ask, why not? Why not me? (though I believe we go around and go around -- we just don't have the memory so it's pretty much the same thing).

It is messy. It is unsure. Lonely. I already miss books that I know I'll have to leave behind or get rid of. I choose DVD's in my head and think about getting a laptop instead of my Apple with a swivel head (which I l.o.v.e.).

For now it is my secret and yours - because no one I know is actually reading my blog yet.

Shhh - don't tell.

La la land....giggle....and....sigh.